I am here today to announce there is nothing wrong. Nothing at all. Everything is fine. Rumours you may have heard to the contrary are simply that- rumours. Do not worry in the slightest. Do not worry about the Shadowlands. They do not exist because everything is fine.
Look at this report. It is an official report, handed to me this morning from the Home Office. It investigates the probability of The Shadowlands existing. Underneath a section titled ‘Do They exist?’, there is simply a blank white space several pages long. Proof, if needed, that there is nothing currently wrong and The Shadowlands do not exist. Everything is fine. It’s all here. Why would they leave a large blank space if there was nothing wrong? They wouldn’t. It’s the job of the Home Office to tell the truth. They have made no mention of The Symptoms in the slightest, providing that they are idle gossip and fake news. It’s dangerous to spread such malicious lies. Very dangerous indeed. We are publishing this report immediately and copies will be available for all the journalists gathered here. You will be able to read for yourself that everything is fine and those afflicted are merely experiencing mass hysteria.
I’d like to address the stories circulating in several publications, claiming to expose the truth about the Shadowlands and featuring interviews with several people with The Symptoms. These stories tell of shadows curling around the eyes, just at the edge of vision, leading to further, more intense Symptoms. This is made up. I’d like to categorically state that I believe the stories to be lies and fabrications. A few isolated cases does not take away from the fact that everything is fine. We need to look at the bigger picture, which is there is no problem whatsoever. It is the belief of this government that The Symptoms do exist, but they are much more isolated than the media would have you believe. Indeed, we have only a couple of confirmed cases. People are scaremongering. Ask yourself who these reports come from? What are their motives? The majority of these sources are anti-government hacks, attempting to bring us down with dirty stories. People ideologically opposed to this government. They want to destroy the peace and stability of the world we have created by exposing potentially dangerous ideas about The Shadowlands. I am not saying The Symptoms do not exist. I am merely stating that the publication of these stories is irresponsible and will only cause panic. Everything is fine and that is the official line of this government.
Although isolated, the government would like to advise anyone experiencing The Symptoms to remain indoors. This is not a reason to panic. Everything is fine. It is simply that, as a precaution, it would be better to remain inside. It is advisable. Take some time to yourself. Watch television. Maybe play a computer game or read a book. Ignore the shadows creeping around the edges of your vision. If work calls, tell them the government instructed you not to go to work. Do not go to work. I repeat, do not go to work. This is very important. Everything is fine. Those with The Symptoms should also make themselves known to the authorities. This is so we can take good care of you and ensure that everything remains fine.
Once again, nothing is wrong. This press conference is merely a formality. To clarify, there is no issue here. None whatsoever with The Shadowlands.
Another point to be made is The Shadowlands are not real. Sightings of them have been unconfirmed. Honestly, those reports on social media are pure fabrication. It is not ‘encroaching’ or taking over small villages. The village of Brilston was never there in the first place. Have you ever heard of it until this time? No. Of course you haven’t. That is because the village has been made up out of thin air. The Shadowlands is not a real concern. It is a story, albeit a particularly viral one that has spread across social media. I refer to the earlier report by the Home Office. Everything is fine.
Besides, if there was such a thing as The Shadowlands, the government would be engaged in a secret war with them, hoping to stop the rapid spread of darkness falling across the land. Wanting to stop the shadows appearing in people’s eyes. We would be working day and night to fight against it, despite not knowing what the enemy is, let alone how to combat it. There would be daily meetings of the crisis team as we would examine maps and regretfully shade out yet more areas. We would barely be able to sleep, kept up with those thoughts that creep into your head at 3am, that inevitable sense of panic, only tenfold. My God, we would think to ourselves, if only they knew.
That is what we would be doing. But as I have categorically stated, there is no such thing as The Shadowlands so we are not doing that. There is nothing wrong.
Moving on, I would like to reassure you the Foreign Secretary is accounted for. She has not had The Symptoms, as some of the more scandalous reports have recently claimed. As I have said, The Shadowlands do not exist. She is merely taking a break from work due to medical reasons. That is why she has not been seen. Her replacement is taking over in the interim and is doing a sterling job. I will not put a timescale on her return. She will return to us when she is ready. To quell rumours before they start, of course she completed the report before she left. The blank pages are intentional.
To summarise, everything is fine. The Symptoms are overhyped. The Shadowlands do not exist. Do not be afraid. We are your government and we are in complete control of the situation. Not that there is a situation. There is nothing wrong at all.
As everything is fine, there will be no questions.