PROFESSOR IAN BOFFIN: Good morning
KATIE: And on the other side we have the president of Moon Lies dot-com, Shannon Onangononon.
SHANNON ONANGONONON: Good to be here.
KATIE: Good to have you both here. Professor, if I can start with you first, could you explain what exactly you found in this study?
PROFESSOR: Well, we ran an analysis of moon rocks and samples brought back from the Apollo missions, using a new form of spectrography. What we found was really very interesting indeed. We now think the moon is much more mineral rich than previously thought, with many precious stones buried beneath the surface. Of course, further research is needed and if we could get more samples-
KATIE: Indeed. But how do we know the moon is real in the first place?
(PROFESSOR IAN BOFFIN is stunned into silence.)
KATIE: I’m going to have to push you, Professor.
PROFESSOR: I mean.. It’s there. In the sky. We can observe it.
KATIE: Interesting argument. Shannon, would you like to respond to that?
SHANNON: Thanks Katie. Obviously, Professor Boffin here is part of the international conspiracy that has us all believing there is a giant orb in the sky that magically controls the tides. It’s a ridiculous notion. I mean, if you think about it for just a moment or two, the whole story falls apart.
PROFESSOR: Right. And what do you think the glowing orb in the sky is?
SHANNON: I don’t really appreciate your tone.
KATIE: Yes Professor, please try to keep the discussion civil.
SHANNON: The object you can see in the night sky is clearly a holographic projection from some point on earth. Maybe China. Or Russia.
KATIE: Interesting counter theory. Professor?
PROFESSOR: I think that may be the stupidest sentiment I’ve ever heard.
SHANNON: I am insulted! My opinion is as valid as yours!
PROFESSOR: Look, we have been to the moon. That is how I was able to conduct this study, with rocks that astronauts have retrieved from the surface and transported back to Earth.
SHANNON: Here we go.
PROFESSOR: I’m sorry?
SHANNON: Spreading lies about the Apollo landings again. Typical big lunar propaganda.
PROFESSOR: It’s not propaganda, it’s actual fact.
SHANNON: How can we go there when it doesn’t exist?
PROFESSOR: Look, this is distracting us from my research which really demonstrates that-
KATIE: Let Shannon speak Professor. You were saying about the Apollo landings. What do you believe?
SHANNON: Well I think there’s zero evidence that astronauts actually took a rocket to the moon. I mean, the white rock doesn’t exist. It’s clearly a hologram. NASA knows this, but they were paid off by the government to keep the conspiracy going. So they faked the moon landings of course, in a studio.
KATIE: Professor, do you have anything to say to that?
PROFESSOR: I mean, this whole debate is ridiculous. It’s a fact that we have been there, it’s fact that the moon exists. It controls the tides and was likely formed from a large collision with the earth-
SHANNON: Listen to what you are saying. It’s rubbish. You’re being paid off by the space industry, the pro-moon lobbyists. You’re part of the conspiracy.
PROFESSOR: Why would the moon need lobbyists?
SHANNON: You’re part of the problem. People like me are providing real answers to the lunar question, whilst you are pushing your pro-moon agenda.
PROFESSOR: I have studied cosmology for twenty-six years at Oxford, and have run several studies on the samples from the Apollo missions. I have worked closely with NASA and the ESA. If there was some sort of conspiracy to create a holographic satellite, I would know about it.
SHANNON: Have you been to the moon though?
PROFESSOR: What a ridiculous question.
SHANNON: Have you?
PROFESSOR: This is ridiculous, I came on here to talk about my new study. I have never-
KATIE: Please answer the question.
SHANNON: Have you personally travelled to the moon?
PROFESSOR: No, I haven’t.
SHANNON: So how do you know it exists?
PROFESSOR: Because all the evidence shows that it exists.
SHANNON: I’ve looked at the evidence and concluded it’s a hologram.
PROFESSOR: Well, that’s just incorrect.
KATIE: Professor, there are two sides to every story.
PROFESSOR: No, there’s not. Sometimes, there are just facts.
KATIE: Well that’s your opinion. Final thoughts Shannon?
SHANNON: The moon is a lie, people! Look at the facts! Follow the money! Decide for yourself! Wake up people, wake up!
PROFESSOR: I never want to come on this programme again.
KATIE: Professor Ian Boffin, Shanon Onangononon, Thanks to you both. Coming up next, it’s been 127 days since the Foreign Secretary has been seen in public. Has she got the Symptoms? Or is she fighting in the Shadowlands? We investigate after the break.